Humor

Quote of the Week – Romney’s New Olympic Maneuver

| ExtremeLiberal

From Peter Sagal on his NPR show Wait, Wait Don’t Tell Me…

For his next stop, Romney went to Israel and gave a speech comparing the Palestinian culture unfavorably to Israeli culture. When everybody got mad, he said “I never said anything about culture.” He did, you can see it in the transcript provided by his campaign. Then after saying it, and then denying he said it, he wrote an op-ed and said it again. Now, in the Olympics they name a difficult move after the first person to do it in international competition. So from now on, the “Triple Self Contradiction with Vaguely Racist Backflip” will be known as the “Triple Romney”

You’re welcome!

Cross-posted at Angry Black Lady Chronicles

Ten Things To Do If Someone You Love Is Republican

| ExtremeLiberal

Guest Blogger: Erin Nanasi

It happens to all of us. We find out that someone we love is a Republican. Well, rather than gnashing your teeth, or weeping into your java, help them. Show them the error of their ways, and maybe, just maybe, you can save them.

The following suggestions may help you with your Republican:

1) Don’t ostracize your Republican. The worst thing you can do is leave them alone with Fox News blaring in the background and Ann Coulter’s latest book on the nightstand. Show them you love them, no matter what.

2) Be gentle. For God’s sake, do NOT suddenly inundate your Republican with articles from Daily Kos, or duct tape them to a chair and make them watch Countdown with Keith Olbermann. This is a process not unlike deprogramming someone who is in a cult. Without the hand cuffs, unless you’re into that sort of thing.

3) Remember that they will fight you. You can point out the 50 times Fox and Friends have lied in the past week, but depending on how far gone your Republican is, be prepared for a battle. Memorize the lingo: libtard, Muslim, anti-American, conservative Jesus. Hugging can help, but in some severe cases, people have been bitten. Head gear may be an option.

4) Take your Republican outside. One of the best ways to show someone the light is to get them out IN IT. Many hard core conservatives sit in their living rooms all day, watching Fox and listening to Glenn Beck, Michael Savage and Rush Limbaugh. Getting the Republican physically out of the house can help. You may need assistance with this step, as some Republicans grab onto the door frame quite fiercely, digging their heels into the hallway carpet.

5) Show your Republican all the great things the government does, every day. Make it personal. For example, if your Republican is retired, remind them, again gently, about Social Security and Medicare. If your Republican is employed, ask them what they did last weekend. Point out that the weekend was brought to them by unions and that the Department of Labor, which is a government entity, helps protect American workers from abuse. Remember to duck after using the word “unions”.

6) When your Republican is at work, or a DAR meeting, go through their personal library. If you find four versions of the Bible, three Sean Hannity works and discover your Republican has subscriptions to both The American Spectator and Townhall, remove them. Yes, this is harsh, but remember, the less propaganda they have available, the less likely they are to throw it at you.

7) Use facts, not emotion. When your Republican launches into a “Obummer is a Socialist” tirade, point out that, in fact, he is not. Find actual Socialists and use them as a comparison. Travel to the library, hopefully with your Republican, and check out some books on Lenin, or Karl Marx or Leon Trotsky. Show your Republican the difference between all the “isms”-Fascism, Communism, Socialism, Marxism, Foxism.

8) By this point, you will either be feeling pretty damn good about your work thus far, or you are in the emergency room, having your earlobe sewn back on, or getting stitches where you were hit with a Bible. Be strong, stay the course. Invest in antibiotic ointment and bandages. This is your Republican and you are the only person standing between them and utter Republicanism. Another “ism”.

9) Now is the time for mainstream media to make an appearance. Mainstream. Please, do not undo all your work by taking your Republican to Mother Jones.com. It’s too soon. My suggestion is HLN. This is the home of Nancy Grace, whom your Republican will love, and interspersed between tabloid shows is actual news. Watch your Republican’s response to unbiased news reports. If their eyes narrow, or a vein pops out of their neck, turn off the television and try again later. This is a painful process for your Republican, who up until now, did not know there were other news channels available. And NO RADIO. Take it with you if you have to. Use force.

10) This is the final moment, when you need to honestly evaluate your Republican. Is your Republican becoming more open minded? Are they less likely to mutter that government health care is Socialism on the way to the bank to deposit their Social Security check? Are they using the word “President” before Obama, rather than calling him “That Muslim”? Have they stopped wearing shirts with sayings like “You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead hands” and moving on to shirts with kittens? Then congratulations. Your Republican is well on their way to becoming a productive member of society, controlled not by irrational hate and Gretchen Carlson’s hair, but by their own mind! However, if there is no change in your Republican, and they are even more obsessed than before, a session or two with Dr. Schadenfreude may be in order.

If you love a Republican tell us about it in the comments section.

Also found at MadMikesAmerica

Nickname Game

| ExtremeLiberal

Guest Blogger: Erin

So, I have come up with a fun party game: The Nickname Game. You take a TeaPublican presidential candidate (and Huntsman) and make up a nickname that gives the candidate a new middle name! Here are a few ideas to get you started:

Herman “The Only Black Guy In America” Cain
Michele “Blackout Barbie” Bachmann
Mitt “Wonder Bread” Romney
Ron “Precious” Paul
Rick “Don’t You F-ing Google Me” Santorum (do it)
Rick “Yeehah I’m Scary” Perry
John “Jesus H. Christ, how crazy do you have to BE” Huntsman
Gary “I got a dog that makes poopy” Johnson
Newt “Patriotic Penis” Gingrich

See! It’s fun, and educational! Next time, we’ll turn the last names of the TeaPublicans into porn film titles!

Democrats Like Me!

| ExtremeLiberal

Guest Blogger: theangryliberal

For years the idea haunted me, if a Republican became a Democrat in the deep North, what adjustments would she have to make?

And that is how it began, that fateful day in 1984 was the day I decided to infiltrate the Democratic party and turn them all into Liberal Republicans! I knew I could do it if I could just find a way to fit in first, to blend in, so I went to the doctor’s office for some help.

“Hey Doc”, I said to him after he forced me on that scale again, why do they always want to know how much I weigh? “Hey T”, he replied, we were old friends since the heady days of Watergate. “Doc, I want to attempt to infiltrate the Democratic Party and turn them into a corporatist Republican lite party. I think I can do it, if I try very, very hard. How can I do this?”

He laughed and then smirked at me, he said, “Well first of all you need to quit shopping at Brooks Brothers, cause that totally doesn’t fit for a Democrat, I think you need to shop at vintage stores from now on, and find some bell bottom jeans with embroidery on them, preferably flowers and sunshine and stuff, it will make you seem whimsical and egalitarian.”

I was kind of happy that I had to shop for my newest endeavor, although I wasn’t totally into this Vintage Store BS but if I had to buy some crappy hippy clothes then I would, it is easier to punch them if you look like them.

So I thought I should find out about the party I was infiltrating so I decided I would study hard at the virtual knee of one James “Corporal Cueball” Carville. I saw him one night on CNN, and thought he would be the perfect teacher for me.   So I studied Carville, and knew I was about to become a superstar in the Democratic Party, superstardom leads to apparatchikdom too and that was my ultimate goal, become an apparatchik, it would make me feel like I had more control over all things Democratic and I could lead them myself to Republicanism, which ultimately was my goal, to make sure Democrats were just Republicans without the backbone.

My first effort was to make them, the Democrats, think that I took my new party seriously, when really I was just a shill for my corporate, tribal overlords. This fact was discovered by the arch nemesis to all corporate shills like myself, one Glenn Greenwald. He is a superstar this Greenwald guy, he has absolutely no connection to corporate overlords. His CATO membership is just a ruse, and his white papers for them, just a job, but he isn’t affected at all by these things, as he isn’t a sell out in anyway shape or form, and he never ever lets the corporate will beat him down, he fights it all the time.  He has no professional connection to corporate overlords and he is merely out for America the Beautiful. Greenwald is awesome in his ability ferret out those of us who have sold out America to the highest bidder. Working with the Koch is like waving an American flag, working with the Democrats is like working for Satan.

So my plan has worked, the health care bill we have currently, was my plan from the beginning, to sell out America by forcing them to have access to health insurance.  It will evolve into nothing that can benefit anyone really. States will not take the matter into their own hands to search for the best answer for their citizens either.  Certainly places like Minnesota (status of the Act), California, ( LWV, support of California OneCare), Illinois, Pennsylvania, Montana, (more Montana analysis) Massachusetts and Vermont have not taken the new law and tried to make it beneficial for their own citizens. They have succumbed to the dead-end health reform, the one that only supports insurance companies and is terrible for the people!

My mission is complete and soon I am sure I will be promoted head apparatchik, instead of just being referred to as the Greatest Living Democrat.

Hey Democrats consider yourselves Pwned.

Crossposted at DAGblog

And Now For Something Completely Different – Looking For An Argument?

| ExtremeLiberal

I was busy this week and only had enough time to pop in and out of social media on occasion. I didn’t participate much and it was interesting to just observe. Some of the stuff was just crazy — the political discourse in this country has sunk to a level where normally intelligent people actually typed screeds about “caving” on the scheduling of a speech. Seriously, I had to step back and wonder, do they want a fucking father figure or a president. Do they want their daddy to beat up the neighborhood bully. I thought about the Monty Python clip below when I was about to send a series of Tweets that said something like..He didn’t “cave”, how can you cave on scheduling a speech. There is nothing to cave in to, there are no consequences to the action. It’s just a non issue used to spread the “weak meme” that the Professional Left is pushing.

But then I read at The People’s View that  71% people in a Pew poll think the President “Stands up for what he believes in”! Those are amazing numbers. Hey Professional Left…Suck It! How does it feel to know that 71% of the American people think you are talking shit and the other 29%, that you are standing with, are the fucking Tea Party and the racists? Ha!

And now for Monty Python…