The Consititution Updated For Modern Times!

From Stonekettle Station…(only the beginning, go read the whole thing)

The Preamble:

We the PATRIOTIC naturally born CHRISTIAN conservative ENGLISH speaking patriots of the awesomely exceptional GOD blessed United States of Awesome!!!! … in Order to form a bunch of states that have their own laws and do whatever the hell they want without regard to a central government (but in no way resemble that sissy European Union) … establish JUSTICE for people who look and think just like us … insure domestic Tranquility by deporting all the people we don’t like … provide for the common defense contractor, eliminate any and all social programs, and secure the Blessings of JESUS and Wall Street unto ourselves and to hell with future generations, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of By GOD America!!!!

Alternatively, instead of this preamble, Americans may misquote a bunch of random stuff from the Declaration of Independence.  Amen.

The Middle Part That Nobody Reads Anyway Except for Stupid Liberal Judges:

The Government of the United States of AWESOME will be made up of three parts: The President, Jesus … and some other stuff.

The President must be a born again white guy from TEXAS or OHIO who believes in JESUS!!! and can trace his ancestry back to the Mayflower … he should have some kind of law degree but not from one of those fancy elitist colleges full of stinky Liberals who hate America, he must be a man of the people whose family lives in some kind of “compound” and owns at least one major defense contractor or a bank, he must have started his own Fortune 500 hundred company, served in war, was an astronaut or fighter jock, was director of the CIA, a former governor, is an ordained Baptist minister, and can leap over tall buildings in a single bound, also he should be humble too. Also, he must believe in JESUS!!!!! Also he should have gray hair, but the distinguished kind of gray not that creepy old guy gray, and he should be tall but not freakishly so, he should always wear a little flag pin on his lapel and he should be able to JUGGLE or do a funny dance at BBQ’s. Also he should own a boat or a baseball team. Also, his wife should be HOT…

Go read the rest of it, Jim Wright is really good.


4 thoughts on “The Consititution Updated For Modern Times!

  1. Wasn’t that great? I was hoping you would re-post this. I shared it on FB also. Sometimes Jim just cracks me up and this is one of them.
    Thanks EL

  2. The majority of my Facebook “friends” are family and old Indiana classmates, and most are REPUBLICAN with many not reading the Constitution but waiting instead for the REICH-wing pundits to interpret it for them (just like they let pastors interpret the Bible!). I want to argue with some but then consider a lifetime of friendships, so I just hide their posting!

    One family member was upset with the ACLU (always in the cross-hairs anyway) for opposing the passing of a new Florida law being promoted by Republicans that everyone applying for welfare in that state first take a blood test for drugs. If they pass the test, they get the medical fees rebated (actually money from all taxpayers) and therefore will get welfare. However, if they flunk, they get NO welfare and don’t get their medical costs for the tests refunded.

    The ACLU says this law demanding a person submit their body fluids violates Article IV of the Bill of Rights in our Constitutuion.

    The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

    The law also assumes that persons seeking welfare are GUILTY first and therefore have to prove their innocence, the complete opposite of our nation’s history of presuming innocence until one is proven guilty in a court of law.

  3. Gov. Rick Perry is quoting Benjamin Franklin out-of-context to give support for his big prayer rally in the 80,000 seat Reliant Stadium in Houston on August 6. Goes to show that one can find WORDS anywhere to support one’s positions even if it means government supporting a specific religion! Perry claims the costs of his rally will be borne by such groups as the gay-hating American Family Association of Mississippi. Perry has been pleading with Texans to “pray for rain” for some time now and we just passed the worst 8 month period of drought in our state’s recorded history. BTW, there is NO “global warming” according to Perry. And evidently God doesn’t answer all of Perry’s prayers!

    Gov. Perry was in Los Angeles this past weekend speaking to mostly Hispanic foes of abortion. He urged the crowd to keep up pressure to roll back the landmark 1973 Supreme Court decision legalizing abortion until “Roe v. Wade is nothing but a shameful footnote in our nation’s history books. Don’t like a court ruling, gut it by passing local laws!!!

    Perry, a frequent critic of the federal government, also bashed President Barack Obama for his administration’s policy allowing federal funding of embryonic stem cell research, saying he was deeply disturbed by studies that turn “the remains of unborn children into nothing more than raw material.” Guess Perry won’t be getting any support from Nancy Reagan who supports stem cell research in hope of finding a cure for Alzheimer’s Disease.

    Perry didn’t go as far as has Rick Santorum who just called for doctors who perform LEGAL abortions to be criminally charged with infanticide.

  4. Gov. Perry prays loudly, but is stingy with his giving! Today’s Houston Chronicle has researched Gov. Perry’s donations to church and religious organizations and he is far from being a tither, where the Old Testament suggests giving 10% of one’s income to the Lord’s work. Although a baptized Methodist, Perry attends the Lake Hills “non-denominational” megachurch in Austin which encourages tithing on its website. In fact, he only has given 0.5% of his income to religious groups since becoming governor, BELOW the average American giving 1.2%. Islam requires 2.5% giving to religious groups as a minimum.

    Perry has reported earning $2.68 MILLION since inheriting the Governor’s office from George W. Bush in 2000. He also gets perks like free housing, utilities, food, travel as governor. Out of this reported income during the past 10 years, Perry has given a total of $14,243 to religious groups.

    Gov. Perry is stingy compared to President Obama and Vice President Joe Biden. President Obama donated $329,000 to 40 different charities, or roughly 6% of his $5.5 million 2009 income (largely from books and royalties). Obama also donated $1.4 million of his Nobel Peace Prize proceeds to 10 different charities as a straight pass through. In other words, Obama donated $1.723 million out of a potential $6.9 million in income, or roughly 25%. Vice President Joe Biden donated $4,820 to charity, or 1.44% of his $333,182 salary in 2009. Biden was soundly criticized in 2008 by Republicans for only giving 0.2% of his income to his Catholic Church.

    In 2009, Perry gave $20K to charities, such as the March of Dimes, the Association Against Sexual Assault (where his wife is a $65K a year “consultant”). Perry reported NO giving to his Lake Hills Church in 2009, however he did give $2,850 to his church in 2008 out of an adjusted declared income of $277,667 (his salary as governor since 2007 when it was $115,000, is now $150,000 per year).

    Welcome to national politics, Gov. Perry, as those meddling journalists will turn over every one of your rocks they can find.

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